[maybe it's for the better. he wants to spill out his feelings-- it isn't in his nature to shut it all up like this-- but perhaps this way he can actually think over what he's got to say. no backspace in real life, right?
there's a brief pause. he's typing the whole long story up.]
i was in my 20s when my parents were murdered. it was someone i trusted. i couldnt find her again on my own, and i couldnt understand why it'd happened. i was in a bad way for years... drinking a lot, just barely getting by
then a woman named sylvia found me blackout drunk at the bar one day. she told me she could help me get even. without really thinking about it, i agreed. turns out i'd agreed to a hit on another assassin. that wound up being my first gig with an organization called the united assassins association... from then, on she booked my fights, helping me get to the top of the UAA. even if this 'association' turned out to be a scam in the end, sylvia kept her promise. she led me to the woman who killed my parents, and she told me our father w i laid her to rest but i still loved her
i killed her i dont know if i forgave her but i understood her im sorry im trying to be honest but that ones hard to talk about
i quit for 3 years after that you still there?? can i keep going?
he has to read it over a few times. the initial comment that he wants to make is that what travis has gone through is terrible. he was hurting and took the first chance to ease some of that hurt, but that involved murdering other people.
isn't that much like spirits that cannot do anything to ease their own pain? but he is human and alive. can he really liken it to entities that have no control over their emotions? but humans sometimes say that they cannot control themselves, too. ]
yes you can keep going
[ it's best to hold out on what he could say until the end... right? ]
so, after those 3 years one day some piece of shit ceo killed a friend of mine to lure me out again. he wanted revenge on me, and he knew i'd only go after him if i wanted revenge back. right before i took him out i started to realize how messed up everything had gotten. i knew sylvia and the UAA were using me and the other assassins... selling footage of our fights on the dark web and stuff. we were just killing each other for others' entertainment and i was sick of it. i didnt even feel like a person anymore. so after i got revenge for bishop, i quit again.
it's been 7 years since my last real job. i cant ever run from my past, though, or wash the blood from my hands. sure, im not some psycho-killer-- i DO have standards-- but i still belong in that world either way. how, i dunno anymore. i just know i cant go back to who i was before all this.
[ really, how is any of this his fault? it feels like everything has been unfair for travis and he feels like a lot of how he reacted was normal for anyone pushed to the edge. the human world is complicated and messy; it makes the spiritual world even more so. it probably isn't right to liken everything to what he knows in that respect, but still--
but still -- it hurts to thin of travis hurting so much like this. and yet the man smiles and helps out everyone that is around him. and yet that person probably feels like everyone will abandon him at any second, or be killed by someone else.
how sad.
that kind of life must be unreasonably sad.
if he died, he probably become a spirit filled with regret, and that is too painful to think about, too.
but what he can ask is: ]
But do you want to go back to who you were before?
[he thinks. he tries to type out an answer, deletes it, tries again and deletes it again.]
No things are too different now, and if i tried, i would just be lying to myself i want to be honest. not just to me, but to everyone who really knows me.
i want to do right, but it has to be on my own terms.
and if you can't trust me anymore cause of all this, i get it. really.
[he's forgotten, after all, what it's like to know people on the other side of his little world.]
I understand. I think that's fine -- wanting to be true to yourself and everyone that knows you. I also think it's brave to want to do what's right by your terms. Most people would be scared of what that meant.
[ Especially someone in Travis's situation, but he can't say that. ]
I can trust you. You've never said anything to me to try to trick or kill me, right? So, why wouldn't I still trust you?
i was scared of it before like it meant I wasn’t ever gonna feel human or something. I should be thanking you for helping me remember what “normal” is again.
and… i dunno, because i kept all this a secret from you? of course I’d never hurt you, even if we weren’t friends, but if i were in your shoes i dont think i wouldve trusted me. so… i guess ive gotta be grateful for your trust too, yashiki
You don't need to thank me for something like that, Travis. You always have been human. No matter what. Humans can be corrupt and twisted and can let their own emotions drive them to do terrible things, but that doesn't make them anything other than themselves. So long as you're able to feel some peace in who you are, I think, you'd be okay.
It wasn't for me to know, right? I don't know why I wouldn't trust you. Even if you did those things, you are someone that's been hurting more than me. So, I trust your pain and hope one day that it'll not hurt as much.
But you're welcome. You're really thanking me a lot. I don't think I did anything to deserve it, but thank you.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(i take it back 'cause i remembered)
i don't want to not hear what you have to say and i worry i might if we meet.
[ because he either just will word vomit all of his feelings or stare blankly at travis unable to think of what he wants to say.
there is no middle-ground.
especially with what he saw. ]
you've helped me with so much and i wouldn't be as happy as i am now if not for you. so i want to listen to everything that you have to say.
no subject
i'll tell you everything.
[maybe it's for the better. he wants to spill out his feelings-- it isn't in his nature to shut it all up like this-- but perhaps this way he can actually think over what he's got to say. no backspace in real life, right?
there's a brief pause. he's typing the whole long story up.]
i was in my 20s when my parents were murdered. it was someone i trusted. i couldnt find her again on my own, and i couldnt understand why it'd happened. i was in a bad way for years... drinking a lot, just barely getting by
then a woman named sylvia found me blackout drunk at the bar one day. she told me she could help me get even. without really thinking about it, i agreed. turns out i'd agreed to a hit on another assassin. that wound up being my first gig with an organization called the united assassins association... from then, on she booked my fights, helping me get to the top of the UAA. even if this 'association' turned out to be a scam in the end, sylvia kept her promise. she led me to the woman who killed my parents, and
she told me our father wi laid her to restbut i still loved heri killed her
i dont know if i forgave her but i understood her
im sorry im trying to be honest but that ones hard to talk about
i quit for 3 years after that
you still there?? can i keep going?
no subject
he has to read it over a few times. the initial comment that he wants to make is that what travis has gone through is terrible. he was hurting and took the first chance to ease some of that hurt, but that involved murdering other people.
isn't that much like spirits that cannot do anything to ease their own pain? but he is human and alive. can he really liken it to entities that have no control over their emotions? but humans sometimes say that they cannot control themselves, too. ]
yes you can keep going
[ it's best to hold out on what he could say until the end... right? ]
no subject
[good choice. there's a lot of story left.]
so, after those 3 years
one day some piece of shit ceo killed a friend of mine to lure me out again. he wanted revenge on me, and he knew i'd only go after him if i wanted revenge back. right before i took him out i started to realize how messed up everything had gotten. i knew sylvia and the UAA were using me and the other assassins... selling footage of our fights on the dark web and stuff. we were just killing each other for others' entertainment and i was sick of it. i didnt even feel like a person anymore. so after i got revenge for bishop, i quit again.
it's been 7 years since my last real job. i cant ever run from my past, though, or wash the blood from my hands. sure, im not some psycho-killer-- i DO have standards-- but i still belong in that world either way. how, i dunno anymore. i just know i cant go back to who i was before all this.
no subject
but still -- it hurts to thin of travis hurting so much like this. and yet the man smiles and helps out everyone that is around him. and yet that person probably feels like everyone will abandon him at any second, or be killed by someone else.
how sad.
that kind of life must be unreasonably sad.
if he died, he probably become a spirit filled with regret, and that is too painful to think about, too.
but what he can ask is: ]
But do you want to go back to who you were before?
no subject
No
things are too different now, and if i tried, i would just be lying to myself
i want to be honest. not just to me, but to everyone who really knows me.
i want to do right, but it has to be on my own terms.
and if you can't trust me anymore cause of all this, i get it. really.
[he's forgotten, after all, what it's like to know people on the other side of his little world.]
no subject
I think that's fine -- wanting to be true to yourself and everyone that knows you.
I also think it's brave to want to do what's right by your terms.
Most people would be scared of what that meant.
[ Especially someone in Travis's situation, but he can't say that. ]
I can trust you.
You've never said anything to me to try to trick or kill me, right?
So, why wouldn't I still trust you?
no subject
I should be thanking you for helping me remember what “normal” is again.
and… i dunno, because i kept all this a secret from you?
of course I’d never hurt you, even if we weren’t friends, but if i were in your shoes i dont think i wouldve trusted me.
so… i guess ive gotta be grateful for your trust too, yashiki
no subject
You always have been human. No matter what.
Humans can be corrupt and twisted and can let their own emotions drive them to do terrible things, but that doesn't make them anything other than themselves.
So long as you're able to feel some peace in who you are, I think, you'd be okay.
It wasn't for me to know, right?
I don't know why I wouldn't trust you.
Even if you did those things, you are someone that's been hurting more than me.
So, I trust your pain and hope one day that it'll not hurt as much.
But you're welcome.
You're really thanking me a lot.
I don't think I did anything to deserve it, but thank you.